I am, Life is.

by tatjannam

I am….
But a leaf on a breeze on a crisp autumn day, I rise in a breath of bravado and tumble down in a slow wistful decline.  Falling from my heights to become one of the many. I am the answer to my own questions, the knowledge of my own mysteries and only I can control who I am and what I feel. Though, at the same time I am the sum of my history, tiny pieces of a world that has brushed against my essence over 34 years.

Nighttime, it is my thinking time, I turn on a song that begs for my spirit to soar with it. I think about each of those tiny pieces, I turn them about, fitting them next to each other, a collage of colors, of smells, tastes and emotions. I think, about what defines me, what eludes me and what becomes me. And I think, that I am so small in such a large world. I watch as others, strike out on some journey for the answer to life, (which of course is 42….). When I (we) lost Steven, I had often wondered the same thing, losing someone so suddenly and tragically often makes one have a need for more, a need to have control, a need to know the stuff of which they are made. I did too, I clawed angrily at walls that seemed confining and then I screamed and cried and I seemed to go nowhere but down.  It has been 3 years since that day and I have learned in that time, that I do not want to know the answer, I am content with the question. I am happy to see the light before the dawn as it paces itself slowly above the hills in the east. To watch the little pieces of wheat in the rays of the golden sunset slowly move across golden fields.  There is a pulse to this life, which when ignored can become a race. It’s beat slow and steady, it breathes in and exhales to each quiet thump. It is nighttime, when I think, but that is when I can hear it, the pulse that runs through not only these veins but through each thing around me. I believe, I have been sleeping, and I am waking now to find this simple, yet amazing world in front of me.
Everyday a new adventure  a chance to start again.

The other day, I sat on a park bench before a session, I watched as the ducks floated on ripples across the river, as sandpipers yelled at each other on a sand bank, as I took it in, I noticed an interesting plant as I came closer I saw an ant rushing across a leaf  in his hurry to procure food, I watched as he rushed by a couple lady bugs and disappeared into a leaf fold. My attention turning to the Lady bug as it turtle paced up the stem, my eyes drawn to the small aphids and larvae on the leaf and stem, one place, so much life! And all living with the same rhythm, the same pulse. I was awed and reminded that this is what , Life IS.