Once I wandered

my wanderings from here to there.

35 years, now where do I go.

I am really not sure how I have floated through life thus far without feeling so incredibly hard about what I am doing and who I am. I’m one of those people who falls and just figures, oh well, get back up and do it again. And hey, that’s worked thus far. I have a self made career that has allowed me to be with my kids and add income to my home. I enjoy what I do. But I think it’s time to move forward. I’m ready to do something with my life before I’m old and grey. I’m ready to feel needed in a work environment. I’m simply not getting that right now.  I think my husband is too. 15 years for the same company at the same job, he has a BA and still only makes a pittance and unless something changes, we are pretty much done for. Not being the types to rely on others to make changes for us we are ready to come to terms with this part of life. We have only 8 years until our last one jumps the roost.
But I have a problem, nothing out of the ordinary for students I guess. But I have decided to go back to school, I actually decided last year and thus began the issue of deciding what I wanted to do. I’ve this long list of possibilities. On one half I want to travel after retirement, maybe I can get a teaching degree and do TEFL when I’m ready. But I love nature, not just a little but almost to the point where in a misplaced state I could theoretically live off the land. I have an innate understanding of ecology and have considered this immensely. However 8 years in college will make me 43 at graduation and the 5 more years to get experience.  48? That might be a tough age for a newbie in the workforce. And finally Graphic design, I don’t really love it, but I don’t hate it. I understand it, it’s like clock work for the basic stuff right now. I can already do layouts and logos, create spreads and so on and so forth. I really wish my brain would let me decide, so I can get on with it already! 🙂
35, it’s like being halfway across a bridge with a forest fire on the side you just left. You really want to go back, or hell , enjoy the view from the middle, but inevitably you have to go forward.

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Family Vacation, How to get an experience without the price tag. Pacific Northwest.

Admittedly, I am a discount queen. I utilize coupons when shopping, coupons when traveling. I love local auctions (you’re TV station or radio station may have them) and yeah, I use ebay, amazon and groupon where I can.  I also LOVE to travel. I mean really, really love to travel. But with 3 kids, a spouse and a pretty tight budget, I don’t tend to do so outside of work.
After an incredibly emotional year of ups and downs , I really wanted to get my family the heck out of dodge. Our favorite place is the Pacific Northwest, Hands down. From the pristine Cascade Range, The sleepy fishing villages on the islands and peninsula to the diversity of the Seattle and surrounding areas, our family never finds a shortage of adventures here. And this year was no different. We arrived back home in Montana from our 9 day adventure to Seattle and we had more then a fantastic time on less then 1300.00 dollars (our original budget was 1700.00) On that budget we managed to take the kids to theme entertainment locations, museums, we went Kayaking, still stayed in hotels took in villages and and the Puget Sound, stayed in a vacation home and manged to have guests to dinner two times! This amount includes gas and taxes and food as well! This budget was stretched out over 4 months.

So how did we manage so much on a budget?
The first thing is to plan. While I do enjoy flights of fancy, planning will be your biggest money saver. End of story.

Places to stay 
I started planning our trip in November with places to stay and a plan started to emerge and take shape. I learned that there are many affordable if not cheaper alternatives to traditional hotels.

Yurts and Cabins.
The Forest service in the Pacific Northwest offers a unique and down to earth lodging option that falls between camping and hotel stays, and they do it for an awesome price.  I’ve linked Washingtons list Here. (Many states besides the ones in the PNW offer cabins at incredibly low costs some from as low as 28.00 a night, check your local National forest page!)
running between 54-74.00 a night, but with breathtaking views your hotel could never offer.

Vacation Rentals.
With a family of 5 (4 went on this trip) we found hotels not only expensive but limiting and restrictive with two young ones in tow. We really did not want to spend our evenings hushing the boys when they recounted their exciting day. Instead, we opted for a vacation home in Lynnwood Washington as our home base.
Many can be found Here, But if you are in the Seattle or Olympic Pen. Areas, I highly recommend Martha Vaughan Vacation Rentals, as all the proceeds go to her Animal rescue farm and her hospitality and accommodations are far beyond any I have experienced previously, you will enjoy every moment of your stay in her homes.

We obviously opted for Martha Vaughans home.

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The home ran us a total of 798.00 for our stay (with taxes and deposits) A hotel of similar comforts but with no privacy and kitchen would run about 792.00. Plus we didn’t have to eat “out” every night. we were refunded a nights stay + tax for the electrician coming in to hook up the hot tub. 698.00 .

When it cam to the vacation home, I saved up over 3 months and put the money down the month before we departed, making this a cost we did not have to worry about out of our vacation spending money. To that end PREPAY!! It will take the stress off of seeing it coming out of your vacation budget while you are on your trip and sometimes you are offered a discount for it.

Now we did have to stay in hotels on the way there since we opted to drive, but even that can be done in an affordable manner. I know everyone is all about travelocity and expedia these days (Hey, I am too, I even have the apps) but don’t discount traditional coupons either! We picked up a coupon book in the entrance of a Mcdonalds and there were hotel discount coupons.  with these coupons we managed to get a “stayable ” not the nicest but far from the worst hotel for 42.00.

For the sake of keeping this short “ish” I will list some more tips to an affordable vacation here.

1. Vacation in the off months. October to March tends to be much more affordable for stays. and entrance fees and fuel.
2. Buy ahead. Utilize Groupon, living social, local auctions and so forth to buy your entertainment in advance, you can usually do it over a year, so if you plan ahead, this makes the cost cheaper and spread out.

3. Don’t discount the free things an area has to offer. For example. Oregon has pristine beaches such as Ecola, Nehalem and Cannon Beach. All along the coast of both Oregon and Washington you will find parks, lighthouses, beaches, old forts and museums, fishing villages with tours and so forth. In Seattle the list is unending  from the Fremont Troll to Pikes Place Market (unless you must buy something you see it’s free!)  Gas works park and the Ballard locks and Golden Gardens beach.  Use these things as fillers to main events.

4. Buy a city pass, which allows you a full 1,2 or 3 days of museum entrance and entertainment. Buy them when they are at their lowest price (December- February)  typically.  Or if you have several in your group who want to do one thing and the others want to do something else, don’t waste your money on things you don’t like, split your group up for the morning or afternoon!

5. Skip the popular do something different. Instead of taking our kids to pricey amusement parks, we opted for Triple play in Coeur ‘D Alene Idaho which can be found here. We skipped on the package deal at the Holiday inn express, booked the La Quinta with a pool and opted out of raptor reef. The kids played in the hotel pool but had hours of fun for the 4 of us for 50.00. Win/win!

6. Get back to nature. I think that’s self explanatory.

7. If you’ve opted for a vacation house or cabin/yurt. Cook or grill at home. The benefits not only economically are endless.

8. If you have rewards cards from smiths/krogers/albertsons etc…Use them on your fuel ups. In Montana we filled up for 2.72 per gallon and in Washington 3.50 (Down from 3.83)  you’ll save tons doing it!

9. If at all possible, squeeze some time in for work, so you can make at least some of your time tax deductible!

 

I’ll be back soon with a blog more focused on Things to do and what we did! 🙂

Welcome to California “Such a Lovely Place”. (California Desert)

When I think of California, My mind doesn’t drift off into some lovely desert scene of palm trees meeting a crystal blue ocean shoreline. usually it’s of sand and pigeons. Well, and The Loma Prieta quake AKA The quake of ’89.  That could be for several reasons, I was young when I moved there and we left rather quickly. Or well, some stories are left better in the mind of the writer.

What I do know is driving through the desert at night a hundred miles from anything, does very much become like the lyrics of an Eagles song. Minus the “Colitas” and well all the interesting things that occur in “Hotel California”. However, your mind will travel and the road will go on and on. It’s inevitable.  The very first thing I saw when arriving in Southern California ( Besides the border check) was the gas prices. There may have been a moment where my spleen jumped through a hula hoop and did the Twist, when I saw the sign….Really!? I have very suddenly, if not forcefully come to the realization of WHY the smart car was invented.

Because a hundred miles of desert and sand and nothing wasn't enough.

Because a hundred miles of desert and sand and nothing wasn’t enough.

 

And so the road went on and on, it had been since July since I had seen my sister who I was riding with at that moment and our conversation (as well as my exceedingly terrific knowledge of google directions reading *sarcasm*) carried us through to Lancaster, California. It was the day after Thanksgiving and the roads were surprisingly quiet and easily navigable, for those who were driving of course.
It should be known, that when I am with family or close friends in cars, I am the worlds WORST side seat driver. I come equip with passenger brake, gas ,  “oh shit bar” and short term GPS. As in, Turn here, you’re not going to park here?, Why are you so close to the middle or alternatively, why are you so close to the shoulder. If you ever want to take a trip with me, save yourself the headache, let me drive.

Being a small town girl, I guess there are things that are simple that still blow your mind, from time to time. Like the Dollar Tree has a freezer section. THAT really blew my mind. I mean what could be sold at the dollar tree that is perishable but still edible!? I know my store here in Great Falls is chock full of items you will probably never need, or if you do count it broken or gone in less then a week.

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I’m discounting the desert far too much. We spent an afternoon in the downtown area of Lancaster called the Boulevard, a lovely street packed with little trendy shops and antique stores. And while I did not buy much, I did find many things at reasonable prices that I had considered purchasing and shipping home. But alas, I’m too lazy for all of that and passed by the items. I do wish my town could have a little place like the Boulevard, I believe I would spend much of my time getting lost among the trifles of yesteryear.

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On our little stroll someone had suggested we eat at the Chinese place on The Boulevard, but we decided to pick up another relative and head over to another place. While the sushi was good (Except for the ones with roe, I hate roe) I believe I can speak for all 6 of us when I say at least each of us found something bad on their plate. YUCK!
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GETTING LOST,WHERE YOU WERE FOUND.

Once in awhile, you try to find where you came from you search your soul, your memories and your heart for that place where you, the person you are now, stemmed from. I can’t say how many times I have done so. I rode through the warm California air, even in November it was in the 60’s at night and we drove past the places that had somehow been locked away in our memories. I’m not sure I never knew what being haunted by memories meant until that moment. Surrounded by stagnant air as the headlights focused on an empty lot that was once the home of a friend. To know that while we lived in our own despair she was living in a nightmare. I guess you never really know and when you do, you tuck those secrets away in to some secret spot, that even you forget about.  The moment passes, but you’ll never forget that air, that empty space and the sudden realization of it all coming back.

The next evening, My father and I drove the same old road, Joshua tree’s zipping by in the purple sunset. In distance the sand was whipping up and clouds began to boil over the mountains. Just one shot is all I wanted of the old church, another connection to a place within myself , a more real, physical place that very much aligned with the emotional.  My feet crunched down on the sand, I tip toed past scorpion holes and other desert worries , it takes moments to remember my footing, to become more graceful about watching my feet and I stand there before this place and stare at it like I am taking down an old foe.

Sometimes, travel is about the experience of the moment, but sometimes it’s bringing the experience to the moment.

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All I wanted was a cactus {Montana- Arizona}

I’m not a morning person, so of course as the fates would deem it , the only flight I could find was at 7 am. You know the drill, be at the airport 1-2 hours early and then wait for a man/woman with rubber gloves to go through your current worldly possessions, only to realize a dime has wedged it’s way down into the deepest recess’s of your pocket, turn around do it again. Thank God I had grabbed a little caffeine (with an obligatory immodium) before the flight.

I had figured I’d best be on the ball, so I had checked in via the internet the night before my flight, where I was able to print out my ticket, along with a tree killing amount of ad’s, weather forecasts and games. The next morning I’m standing in line and I begin to feel inferior about my ticket, it’s folded and not near as classy as the ones printed out at the station, it looks like a child left to play in mud puddles after rolling in dirt, compared to all the other tickets. But it’s legit and after some ho-hum security stuff, I’m walking down the Jetway to my plane. AND, coincidentally my father who somehow ended up on the same flight as me on his way from Helena to LAX. Nothing like an early breakfast with your dad 30000 feet up, While the peaks it’s morning rays over the horizon.

I had a 3 hour layover in Seattle, the weather was…..Well. it was Seattle, I decided to step outside after my dad made his way to his connection. I needed air. There is only so much a person can take at 9AM and 20 screaming children, 5 angry passengers and 2 gossip queens speaking into their phones like it was a loudspeaker isn’t on that list. I made my way to the terminal doors and out onto the street. Ahhh Rain, hello! After a awhile I got caught up in a conversation with a airport personnel and the next thing I knew it was time to go in. The guy I was talking to walked with me as our conversation was pretty interesting and when I got to security I almost screamed. There were at least 100 people in that line. I was sooo going to miss my flight. My new found friend, however, had other plans and beckoned for me to follow him around the edge of the line to a sign that said premiere passengers. Alright, Aunt Tawny here we are he said with a wink, and asked if I could go in. The security guard did his thing and I was through security in 5 minutes! YES!!!

After about 2 hours in the sky I was treated to a wonderful sight. The Grand Canyon from the air. Now I have been to the Grand Canyon before and I have seen it’s splendor, but to see as you are descending from the sky, is magnificent, like the earth made a heavy sight and exposing her ribs and that moment was frozen. The plane descended into Phoenix and As always I was nervous, the pilot did an exceptionally sloppy job of landing to the point where the older lady next to me grabbed my hand with both of hers. And there you are caught in a moment that was somehow comforting and frightening and not in the least bit awkward, though it should have been.

I found myself stripping off layers as I crossed the Jetway into the terminal and down into the baggage area, 85 degrees and desert air got me before I ever hit the doors. I saw my sisters smiling face and that was it! ROAD TRIP! Since the flight ran out of food before me, I was famished, we bought up as much junk food as possible and hit the highway. All I expected out of the Arizona desert was a picture of me with a cactus, that’s it. I don’t think that was too much to ask being as there were only a billion of them lining the highway. Every rest area we stopped at seemed to be void of this Arizona icon. I found myself giving a mental “finger” to the ones that lined the highway later. Just one damn cactus close enough to the road where we can stop.Just one…….Nope, not going to happen!

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The closest I could get to a cactus in Arizona….Across the rest area fence line…grrrr

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All for a reason.

We are often told that everything happens for a reason, and while sometimes it is unclear as to why or what that reason is while it’s happening, it can become abundantly clear later.

For example; Spring of the year I had been looking forward to fund raising for a volunteer stay in Guatemala, where I would be able to teach and share a new skill with the indigenous people of a western region there. I had set my goal arrival date from October 21st-November 15 th of this year , if I had arrived in Guatemala on time, I  would have been volunteering the time of this weeks big quake, within that same region.

It’s been a VERY  intense month with my family, My son turned 16 and well, he turned 16, I think that’s enough said. Meanwhile, I learned that a family member has an illness which will require surgery and to that end my family is traveling to be with her during that time. My father lives in another “metro” area to the southwest of here and my sister is driving from El Paso to California. I decided to fly halfway and then ride with my sister the other half of the way. Last night I learned I will actually be flying with my dad to Seattle, so I will spend my morning with my dad, my afternoon/evening with my sister! Sounds good to me!

 

I am especially looking forward to the drive across the Sonoran and Mojave deserts. I’m one who is more for the trees and mountains and cold air, but there are times when even the desolate space becomes a curiosity.

I’m knee deep in training for a walk across the Pacific Northwest trail in July and maybe this respite from the cold Montana “almost” Winter season that replaces Autumn for us will be a good thing!

 

 

 

 

 

Where were you?

It’s hard not to get caught up in the emotion of a memory. Especially when you share that same moment with millions of people. As adults or even older teens, we can remember that day 11 years ago, without opening up a youtube window. We can say, “I was at so and so’s” or “I remember I was at work” and inevitably we all spent the next day or even more glued to our televisions as hour after hour new scenes filled our brains with terror, sadness and such a confusion that left us in a state of shock.
We watched as the towers collapsed, we heard the voice of a man on a plane yell “Let’s Roll” as the passengers took back the plane and faced their own mortality. Our hearts were filled as Hero’s were made, history was created and children cried for their parents who would never come home.

Here is a blog I wrote in 2008 (4 years ago) remembering the moment, as my memory of that day has not changed.

 

“It was dark in my room as I laid there and considered rolling out of bed and taking a shower. The basement bedroom kept me in sort of a perpetual sleep until I was motivated enough to go upstairs..This was not a motivated moment. 

  • I heard Rod make his way down the stairs, I closed my eyes and rolled over, pulling the blankets up to my chin. Rod sat on the bed. “Honey, you have to get up. They just flew a plane into the pentagon.” I sat up straight and looked at him. “No Way!” he nodded and a look of panic crossed his face. It hadn’t sunk in yet to the fullest and he headed out to work as I sat down on the sofa and watched the smoke pour from the pentagon building via ABC. It was then that they switched back to New York and then the plane cruising right through one of the towers.

    The images, were not yet real, how could something so terrible ever be real? I could not wrap my brain around, how such monstrosities could be played outside of a movie.
    My heart sunk, and the pit of my stomach lifted. Images pulled from some sort of hell, rolled before my eyes. My spine rigid and pin pricks upon my arms, I began to cry. What other emotion is appropriate?

    I couldn’t stand to sit alone in my house any longer, so I wandered over to my Best friend who lived next door. Her husband sat watching a fishing show on cable TV. “did you hear about the twin towers?” Yeah, he said, but I think it was the pentagon” ” Yeah, that was hit too, Both towers, the pentagon and a plane somewhere else.” I said, he turned the Tv to the local station and we all watched as “the world” came crashing down.

    Later, when the monotony of the images played in our minds, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. The air seemed thick, like everyone was breathing a little bit harder and worry clung to it, pulling all the sounds closer to the ground. What sounds that there were , which was not many. A silence had crept beneath the thick air. Shock has an awful way of traveling to the smallest cracks in the tiniest places and that is what this was, pure shock. I saw the people, they came forth from their homes looking to the sky, maybe for an answer, maybe for hope, whatever reason was answered by 2 jets speeding across the sky. Back and forth they went and the people watched like their steel bodies were the hands of god, protecting them in their hour of need, truly they were.

    And yet, though “the gods” graced our skies the silence still held even on to the blare of the jets always, under everything, was the silence. So we returned to our television sets, watching the images, craving more so that we might know more, we might know that our loved ones were ok, that our friends made it out and that a complete stranger was rescued. But we were met only by death and sorrow. Still we watched, television with out happy commercials, people speaking to each other only to break up the silence.

    But then little by little, hope emerged, slowly at first, they appeared as earthly angels, some in rags, some in suits, uniforms and laymen’s clothing and then hope became prevalent, they emerged from nowhere, carrying with them on their shoulders, hope, love, pride and determination. It would be these men and women who would bring us from the silence, who would again teach us to speak from their sorrows, and would teach us to sing from the tragedies.

    September 11th 2008 dawned much like September 11th 2001. The sky was a blue that would rival that of only the oceans, the people hurried about their days. But still the silence could be felt under the normal hustle bustle. Here and there, you could find reminders that we still live that day. Flags Half Mast and today 600 motorcyclists drove down the main thoroughfare to honor the memories of those who were lost.
    We were wounded that day, but like any scar that is ours to bare, we wear it with pride and with a somber bravery, that IF there is ever a next time it will be so much different.

    I hope that everyone took a moment to remember today. Much love to you my friends. “

     

 

 

1200 miles update, getting lost and more!

it has been an interesting last few weeks to say the least.

The first of my updates, was what I announced in my last post, but with some refreshing steps to making it a reality! . First the introduction on my trail mate/ Hiking partner Krista. Krista and I have known each other for about 7 years, she lives in a community about 116 miles from me, but we keep in touch via facebook. Krista and I are “Birthday twins” as in we share the same birthday, if you want to go by horoscopes that pretty much means we enjoy and dislike a lot of the same things. Ironically, while I have been considering a long distance plan of walking the “triple Crown’s (three of the longest trails in the USA) Pacific Crest trail, Krista’s long term goal is the appalachain trail. So, both of us are definitely in the same mind set. I’ll have a link to Krista’s blog up in the near future.

This last week I’ve spent trying on hiking shoes and packs, and while you’d think this a simple feat, I beg to differ. How many different shoes can there be!? And why can’t I find one I like? I’m closer then I was in finding a pair, but still! Backpacks are a whole ‘nother ball game. I’ve tried on womens and mens and universal and ironically so far I find I like the Kelty Scheels classic the most. I guess I’ll keep looking though.
Tomorrow, I pick up a food dehydrator, I intend on making a lot of the meals we plan on taking with us, by dehydrating them so they are light weight. I have a feeling this will take some practice, so I hope I’ll have it down in a year!

Well, Hiking across the Pacific Northwest, isn’t the only thing happening in my life right now, I’m also waiting on prep for Guatemala, October isn’t looking like when I’m going but WHEN I go is not the big deal so long as I do go. I’m still chugging away at donations and funding for the trip including doing extra work to add my own money to the cause.

My husband and I planned a nice evening at a really awesome venue in southern Montana this weekend and while the show ended up amazing, the trip there was a little, erm, uhhh, time consuming. We ended up getting lost in southern Montana. Which is funny because Montana’s state motto is “GET LOST!!…………In Montana” alrighty, check! done and done! LOL! The venue we went to is called Rockin’ the Rivers. and the night we went (it’s a three day event) Candlebox, Sick Puppies and Edward Kowalczyk (of the band Live) played, and the weather behaved appropriately as in at the finish of the song lightning crashes, A thunderstorm began. None the less it was a great break from the 90-100 degree temps we have been having and a beautiful area to watch some great musicians!

On a side note: If you would like to be a sponsor or a trail angel (picking us up from the trail, taking us to town, letting us sleep at your home or just be an encouraging factor) for our hike next year let us know! Sponsors will receive dedicated posts with links and will be featured here and on our Facebook page!

Also, see the fundraising tab if you would like to help me on my own personal journey to volunteer in Guatemala!

Determination.

I think the way that I have been feeling the last few weeks can be defined as stir crazy. Mentally, I’m ready for Guatemala, I’m ready to make that trip and to help where I am needed. Monetarily, well I’ve fallen short, October is right around the bend, I’ve only made/collected 10% of my goal. But it’s no way out of the equation, I just need to give it time and keep saving, I’ll get there.
In the meantime, I’m here, and to be honest this summer is just slugging by (I’m sure my kids would disagree). I’ve made suggestions to my family about camping and going for drives and what not, but their hearts are not in it. So, I’ve settled by the wayside watching the sun race across the sky and signalling the close to so many days that could have been doing something. I’m happiest when in motion.
I watched a film the other day about 2 men who, like me, had the determination but not too much of the hiking skills, and they walked the Pacific crest trail. I thought they were crazy, I still do. But it inspired me. Why am I sitting here? Because my husband likes his Ipod and the kids are scared of bears? That’s silly. Just because they don’t want to come doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Well, not the PCT………yet.
There is another trail, shorter (by half) 1200 miles. That extends from Glacier to the Olympic mountains. It’s called the Pacific Northwest Trail. I’m by no means ready to hike something so long but I can be by July of next year, I might not make the whole journey, but I can try! And Maybe I’ll have done Guatemala by that time to.
Big dreams and big goals, I know, I know. But if I don’t have those then there is nothing to try for and I’d rather fail at big goals then never have anything at all.
So, I have one year. Here is to day 1 , I believe my first step should be just taking a nice fast paced walk. Water anyone?

Escape.

Of all the stars and all the planets, of all the forms and shapes I could have been when I was put here, I sometimes wonder why it was this one I was put in. Sometimes, dreaming can be so challenging. I feel like I could just give up, I think of how simple it would be to lie there, letting the grass tickle my legs watching the world from a bugs angle, watching as the sky spins by relentlessly on it’s simple task of turning dark to light. I wish I had that ability, I wish I could just take all that is wrong and make it right, create myself a dawn that I could sit under peacefully and just not think.

Something is missing here, I don’t know what or where I will find it, but I can sense now that a clock is ticking somewhere in the back of my mind it clicks relentlessly, counting down the days, hours, minutes until whatever it is, finds me. In my mind, I remember a moment from my childhood and there is giggles and laughter from the two of us (my sister and I), I still taste the sea spray as it lingers as a fog over the shore. I can feel the sand, each fine grain scraping against the next between my toes, I can feel the temperature as the gentle breeze kisses my skin. High in the air above me there is a kite, Red with a yellow band, it twists and turns excitedly, out of control but kept up there by some unseen force. And my sister, tiny fingers grasping the air as she ran across the Oregon beach, the rocks in the distance, the sunlight, the green cast of the trees, everything…I was happy there. It is my place, my place of hope, my place of tranquility when the world around me cannot be. When I cannot force my camera to think for me. I close my eyes, let the tears come, tears for a past I didn’t choose but I lived, tears for each moment I can’t change but learned from and tears for moving on and not looking back, and as my eyes slip shut to make this reality go away, I see that moment.

My heart is filled with sorrow, I feel like I keep reaching with a warmth that will not be returned. I feel myself more and more reaching for that place to get me through each ache. When I was a kid, I was always the last to the metaphoric parade, As an adult I think I was just late growing up. Some of that was intentional, I loved the thought and the feeling at looking at the world through new eyes, If I could look each day and see the world as a different place, then all the hurts of the day before are cleansed, all the wrongs forgiven and forgotten, and that is how you move on. You just see with the love, the trust and the honesty of a child. Reality comes hard, it’s not like a scrapped knee or cut finger. It’s like a paper cut on the space between your finger and your thumb. It burns and it lingers, you wonder if it will ever heal, no reassuring scab to know it’s healing and it’s just there stinging and glaring and not letting you forget. And it’s those moments when it’s the hardest to see through to the other side.

Tonight I’m missing the people in my life who have been my glue and are not here anymore to hold me together. I feel needy, not a typical trait for me and that feels even worse. Ick! But I know it’s a moment. Tomorrow the dawn will come and I will greet it with the same vivaciousness I have in the past, the dark hours will be forgotten when the sweet amber glow climbs above the horizon and gives the warmth I was needy for. But as it does that clock still ticks. I wonder what it is I am waiting for.

The Light in My Life.

I think I am most like a few people when I say storms scare the crap out of me, but it also stirs a curiosity in me, I love the wildness of a storm and the pure untamed beauty that goes with it. Lightning and storms are, after all, my favorite natural subject.